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Until two days ago I was one of the few—the proud—FaceBook and Twitter holdouts. Facebook is just one big buggy mess slash privacy nightmare slash self-inflicted spam machine. And twitter… well, I still don’t really “get” twitter. Short, mindless messages ad nauseam? Pass. But since everyone and their mothers—mine included, I think—are on one or the other or both, I caved. I feel like such a sellout. Like back when I was going through my hippie phase and a friend caught me with an Eddie Bauer messenger bag. “Eddie Bauer? You? BAAHAHAHAHA!” Yes. Me. With my long hair and my Buddy Holly glasses and my “fight racism” bumper sticker. Who knew that the road to my thirties would also lead to pronounced yuppyism? Now I live in a three bedroom house in a city well regarded, and commonly held in contempt, for its cookie-cutter housing and fake plastic tree scenery… and I like it here. I just hope when the day comes that I buy a minivan or a station wagon, I also have an Audi R8 in the garage. Or maybe a BMW Z4. Then at least I’d have something worth posting on Facebook and alerting the masses via Twitter. “Look at me! I have an R8! (Or a Z4!) Tweet all about it!” Tweet. I “tweeted”. What kind of world are we living in where adults can say with a straight face “I tweeted about my new R8 to all my friends”? Now, I’m notorious for mocking new slang with furious scorn, only to later end up saying it myself. It always starts out innocently enough, playfully mocking a friend for calling something “the bomb.” “The bomb,” I’d sneer, “that’s so dumb.” Then I’d take it a step further, pointing out an R8 on the street saying, “those’re so ‘the bomb‘…. Hey, did I sound ‘cool’ there? Huh? Did I?” And things would progress just like that until a certain point where I’d actually heard myself say it so much that suddenly it did sound cool. Ah, crap I’d think. And then the aforementioned friend, former victim of my derision, would have a field day returning the ridicule in kind. “Oooh, what’s that you say? It’s the bomb? What, are you trying to sound cooooool or something?” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Similar situations have gotten me in a little bit of trouble. Like after Will Ferrell encapsulated George Bush’s presidential campaign in a single, awesome word: Strategery. After hearing that, I worked hard to squeeze “strategery” into any sentence I could. But after a while, I got confused. Which way is the right way again? I’d have to think about it. Not a big deal until you’re sitting in an interview explaining how you’d utilize lots of strategery, er, um, strat—  stert—  stratogery, uh, strategy! as an employee of Awesome Jobs, Inc. It was like a speed bump in my otherwise flawless response. Or a hiccup. A hiccup while going over a speed bump. But I think the most embarrassing occurrence of this phenomenon started after watching New Jack City a few years ago. The next day I was using “Word!” everywhere. “Hey Nick, check out that R8. Pretty cool, eh?” Me (Jokingly. At first.): “Word!”. Hee hee, I’m so funny. I used “word” as an interjection instead of a noun or verb. Luckily that one faded pretty quickly. But there is a line I never cross because some slang is just beyond redemption. “Tru dat” is an excellent example. I once knew a short, nerdy 100 pound white girl* (you know who you are!) who said that fairly regularly. In public! It could ruin a perfectly pleasant moment. “Hey, did you see that R8 go by?!” “Tru dat!” My stomach wrenched. You just ruined my moment with the R8 that just went by. RUINED! Ah, but she was so adorable, I loved her anyways. And at least she never began a sentence with the words “I tweeted.” (You were wondering how I was going to tie all this together, weren’t you. Admit it.) Beyond describing the noise some birds make, “tweeting” is waaaaaay worse than “tru dat”. I refuse to say it and will mock those who do with great enthusiasm, despite the serious risk that it imposes to the sanctity of my own vernacular given the apparently contagious nature of bad slang. After posting to Twitter, I will just say “Today, I posted some mindless nonsense on twitter.” There. That wasn’t so hard. Even if “twitter” does sound a lot like “twatter“. (<– borderline nsfw) *snicker*

Anyways, since I am on Facebook and you probably are too, do me a favor. Go visit my fb page and “like” me. Then “share” me with your friends. You can post whatever you want on my wall. You can say, for example, “You are the biggest no-nothing dork of all time. Facebook is the savior of the human race.” Who knows, maybe you’re right. About me, I mean. No way about Facebook. :)

Follow me on twitter. Why? I dunno. Boredom? Curiosity?

* Don’t worry, J.H., I’m only teasing. :)